Do this, not that when someone comes out to you

Steven Petrow/National Coming Out Week: 2011

More than 250,000 LGBT’ers come out every year – to their family members, friends, co-workers, and neighbors.

2011 will be no exception and with National Coming Out Week this week, everyone needs to know what to do — and not do. Here’s a primer:

Do this

Thank them for telling you

• Someone just revealed the biggest secret of their lives. Think about that before you do or say anything. Your first reaction matters and they’re likely terrified you’ll reject them or lose respect for them. Be sure to acknowledge the trust they have placed in you.

Be civil no matter what your beliefs

• Even if words of support or encouragement aren't in your heart or vocabulary right now, put yourself in their shoes. If you’re confused or upset, explain that you need some time to digest the new information. It’s far better to say, “Can you give me a minute or a couple of days” than to show anger, disappointment, or worse.

Feel free to ask questions

• If you’re head is spinning with the news you just learned, go ahead and ask kind questions. The person coming out to you has done their homework and set the stage. In other words, they’re ready; you may not be. Questions like “Who else knows” and “Are you seeing someone special” are vastly more appropriate than “Is it a phase?” or “How do you know?” (How do you know you’re straight?)

Offer to be a sounding board

• It will be appreciated. Are there other questions to address, like, “Will their parents continue to pay for their education?” or “Is their job safe?” Be a resource as they build the strength to tell other friends, co-workers or family members. Every time someone comes out it gets easier; you can help them with that.

Learn about PFLAG

• If you find that you need more support or resources yourself, find a local chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), which has been inviting moms and dads of gay kids to cry on its shoulders, find support, meet others like themselves, and become more educated about their LGBT offspring. There are chapters in all 50 states and overseas.

Not that

Don’t tell others

• Until you ask and get permission, don't share the news of someone's sexual orientation with anyone. For gay people, there are many degrees of being out -- some teens are out to their parents, but not at school; to their closest friends and online, but not at home. Others may be out in their personal lives but not at work.

Don’t let others taunt LGBT people

• If friends or co-workers make anti-gay jokes, call them out on it. You don’t need to humiliate anyone, but we all need to speak up on behalf of each other. You can say: “I really don’t think that’s funny” or “That offends me” or “You know better than that.”

Don’t be two-faced

• There’s nothing worse than telling a friend who’s come out to you that you’re a supporter – and then mocking or disparaging them behind their backs – to other friends or on social media.

Don’t use an incorrect pronoun (for someone who is transgender)

• If someone comes out transgender, don't continue to refer to him or her by their 'old' pronoun or former name. For instance, Chaz Bono is now Cher's son (he's no longer Chastity nor Cher's daughter) and it's proper to refer to him as 'he.' This is a sign of respect -- address someone as they wish to be addressed.