SHE SAID: The dreaded sex talk
By Kyra Hoggan
There comes a time for every parent when they realize they’ll soon need to have “the talk” with their child (ren).
I don’t know what made me think I was exempt, except maybe that I blocked the idea to avoid the sheer horror of it – they say your mind can just delete certain memories, if they’re traumatic enough …can it do likewise if it’s an anticipated traumatic memory?
It’s not that I’m unable to discuss the issue at all, mind you …in the right company, I can tell the filthiest of jokes without blush or stammer. I can (and have) make a trucker red-faced and unable to meet my eye with a timely joke or snappy comeback .
I’ve mastered the art of vulgar innuendo and double entendre, too … a couple of my more innocent
To my deep regret, it’s not the trucker who needs “the talk”.
See, it’s the logistics of the whole thing that screw me up – I can’t seem to pragamatically the approach issue of cog A and recepticle B without at least a couple of ounces of vodka as fortification, and it seems a tad innappropriate to me to have “the talk” with my child while rip-roaring drunk.
Sadly, it appears I’m stuck in limbo land between generations and belief systems …while Oprah has taught me you can’t just say, “never, ever, ever do it” (which, of course, would be my first choice), my Catholic conscience balks at frank discussion of that which I once believed could make a person go blind.
I can’t harken back to the talk my parents gave me, either …all I remember is that I already knew twice as much as they were willing to tell me, and not half as much as I thought I did.
For a while there, I thought sex ed in the school system would get me off the hook – but then I realized that, in school, 50 per cent is a passing grade. This one subject, though, where only understanding half the need-to-know information could really cause confusion down the road.
Yikes!
A friend suggested the library as a resource, but I checked – the librarian won’t give him “the talk” for me, either.
Maybe I’m just making something out of nothing here – after all, he hangs out in hockey locker rooms and watches cable TV – maybe he should be giving me the talk.
Oh well, I still have some time left before giving “the talk” …maybe I’ll get lucky and global warming will wipe us all out before I have to.
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