OP/ED: The looks weren't deceiving - you deceived yourself
By Christine Esovoloff
Personal appearance has become a common theme in my discussions over the past week, from online debates about teenage style to chats over coffee about what women do to feel beautiful, and it has made me realize how focused we are on self-expression/style/appearance. It all started when I asked my fellow Facebookers what their thoughts were on allowing teenagers to express their individuality or personal style, even if it is deemed negative by society (ex: Mohawks, piercings, crazy hair dye, etc.) … Well 79 comments later, a few things became very clear to me; first, I should put this topic in the same category as politics, child-rearing, and religion and not bring it up again (yikes!) and two, our obsession with external appearance (or our perception of one’s particular style choice) and the judgements that follow are causing us to lose sight of other things that are, in my opinion, way more important.
Although many of us try to practice the old adage of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, it seems that many of us certainly let ‘the cover’ imply what may lie beneath. How many of us have made a judgement about the young man with tattoos who rides a motorbike or of the woman in the shopping mall with huge breasts, tight clothes, and fake eyelashes? Everyone, I’m sure. Whether the judgement is negative and you are crossing the road in fear of the person, or it is positive and you engage in conversation with them because you like the way they look – judgements happen. And it could be (and has been) argued that we are biologically programmed to make immediate judgements about things based on how they look in order to ensure our own safety, survival, and security. And I agree that judgements based on visual cues are important and, to a degree, human nature, but I do think that we (as a society) spend way too much time focussing on the external appearance of people and not enough time taking other important things into consideration. For example; the person’s actions, attitudes, behaviours, and passions, along with our own past experiences which influence how we perceive things.
I mean, let’s face it, just because one tattooed, hairy biker was intimidating to you once, doesn’t mean that all tattooed bikers are mean-spirited. And just because one lady who dressed in conservative clothes and listened to classical music was snobby to you once, doesn’t mean all conservative, classical-music-lovin’ ladies are self-righteous. What if the dude just really likes tattoos and bikes?! And what if the lady just really enjoys the conservative librarian look? What does that really say about who they are as a person? Nothing, really. Looks alone will never tell you whether someone is kind to animals, is a devoted and loving parent, or if they share the same morals and values as you.
I think back to when my oldest son was just a baby and I put my fuzzy red hair into dreadlocks … yes, I looked a little bit like ‘Side Show Bob’ off of The Simpsons … and I wonder what judgements people might have made of me. Perhaps people assumed that I was a vegetarian, that I smoked a lot of pot, and that I was a tree-hugger. Well, the fact of the matter was I LOVED meat, did not smoke pot, and although I did enjoy trees, I was not a ‘hugger’. In all reality, I just liked the way dreads looked. (I was young, it was a stage.) It was not an act of rebellion, it was not a political statement, and it was not an accurate reflection of who I was as a person. I just liked the look, plain and simple. The same reason I wear push-up bras, bright eye shadow, cargo pants, or hiking boots (I’ve always had a thing for hiking boots!), I like the way they look on me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that judging someone on physical appearance is not abnormal, but it is not a good idea to judge someone on looks alone because we may end up missing out on some pretty cool people! Sometimes we may be shocked by someone’s choices or we may not understand (like the baggy pants that sit below the butt cheeks … how is that comfortable?!) but it is important to remember that there is always more than meets the eye. And I think we can all say that we have been surprised (pleasantly or otherwise) when someone doesn’t turn out the way we initially expected them to be.
At the end of the day, I don’t care what my boys choose to adorn their bodies with (once they’re 18!). I will do my best make sure they are aware of, and prepared for, the potential consequences of all of their choices … but as long as they are still the sweet boys that I raised to respect others, use manners, and hold doors open for people … I’ll be pretty darn happy.
P.S. I may need a reminder of this column when my children reach their teens.
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